What Children Really Mean When They Say, “I Can’t”
“I can’t!” four-year-old Jensen said to his mother when he was told to clean up his toy room. Was Jensen’s statement true? Was he making an excuse? Or did he simply not know that he was capable of doing the task?
Sometimes children say they can’t do a task when they are actually just being lazy or making an excuse. Other times, when children panic and fret, it’s because they actually can’t solve the problem or do the task required, and they worry about not being able to follow the instruction. It’s simply beyond their developmental level. Finally, sometimes a child is told to do a certain task that they have never done before, so the child fears the task and convinces themselves that they can’t do it when they actually can. It is a fear of the unknown.
How can we know what children can and can’t actually do when giving them tasks? And what do we do when they say that they “I can’t”?
Historically, young people were often given significant work responsibilities and began learning trades during adolescence. When a child hits age 12, give or take, they are capable of learning and doing many of the practical tasks adults do, so long as they have received appropriate training and practice ahead of time.
Today, research on adolescent development shows us something important: young people are increasingly capable of complex thinking, learning, problem-solving, and independence during these years, even though areas of the brain responsible for planning, judgment, and self-regulation continue developing into the mid-to-late twenties.
In other words, an unfinished brain does not mean an incapable brain. Adolescents still need guidance and support, but they are also remarkably capable of learning skills and taking on meaningful responsibility when they are properly taught and given opportunities to practice them.
So, what about younger ages? What are they capable of?
Here are three experiences that caused the same four-year-old to stress and declare that she couldn’t do something.
1. Jane, age four, is playing with her dolls and is told to leave them to go do her daily silverware chore. Jane says, “I can’t.” She is likely being lazy when she is told to do her silverware. She doesn’t want to stop playing with her toys, so she makes an excuse instead of obeying or talking about the timing of the task.
2. Jane, age four, is told to set up the tent for the family camping trip. She has never done that task before. Jane says, “I can’t.” She is not tall enough or strong enough to set up the family tent by herself. Since she has never had any training on setting up tents and can’t lift the tent, she could feel overwhelmed by the weight of the instruction to set up the family tent, an unknown skill, alone.
3. Jane, age four, is told to organize the books on her bookshelf, but she has never organized her bookshelf before. However, she has organized other things, like her shoe shelf. Jane says, “I can’t.” In this final situation, she could likely figure out how to organize the books since she has organized other things. Left alone with the task, she would problem-solve it. But the task would be significantly easier for Jane if she got some basic instructions before starting the new task. She might be slightly overwhelmed, but she could solve the problem.
What a person has done before significantly impacts their readiness to do a new, similar task in the future without help. This is why pre-teaching, family skills practice, and daily family work times are so important. Without a structure that deliberately trains children to develop adult skills and solve problems, the child might never shoot for something better than what he has done before.
How to Handle When a Child Says, “I Can’t”
When a child says, “I can’t,” first analyze their age and their known skill sets. Ask yourself, “Have I taught this skill to my child before? How long has it been since they have done this skill? Could they possibly need to revisit it before doing the task alone?”
It’s okay to reteach skills to children. In fact, it’s often required. Sometimes something learned at age five is forgotten by age eight or nine. And when puberty hits, the brain changes and may need to learn a skill again.
After answering those questions, do a quick self-evaluation. You may ask, “Am I calm? Am I being lazy by requiring a task that hasn’t been taught?” If you are calm, that is a good sign. If you don’t want to do the teaching necessary, that could mean giving yourself an instruction to take action before instructing your child.
What action should you take? Tell yourself to pre-teach the child about how to do the task and what is expected before assigning the task to them. Be sure to get verbal confirmation from the child that they understand the task before sending them off to do it.
This protocol takes care of scenarios two and three. But what if the child is just being lazy and making excuses?
First, check yourself and make sure you are calm. Then utilize your parenting correction skills. This type of behavior needs to be corrected. My favorite correction would sound like this:
Describe: Just now, you were given an instruction to do your silverware chore, and you said, “I can’t” instead of disagreeing appropriately with me.
Rationale: When you do this, you are making an excuse for not wanting to do the chore instead of productively discussing it. It is always better to use your Disagree Appropriately skill so that you can be better understood.
Describe: What you should have done was say, “Okay,” or ask to disagree appropriately.
Consequence: Since you chose not to use your skills, you have earned an extra chore. Okay?
Child response: “Okay.”
Praise: Just now, you chose to stay calm and say, “Okay.” Great job! That shows a lot of self-control.
Practice: Let’s practice that situation again using our skills, and do a couple of other Disagree Appropriately practices to be sure that you are able to remember it for next time.
Praise: Be sure to praise them for each interaction as they use their skills.
This process used consistently will correct the problem and stop the “I can’t” excuse-making in future interactions. But it should also be a positive experience because it’s calm and full of teaching and praise instead of the emotional reactions that can sometimes happen for parents.
Choose Your Response
The phrase “I can’t” doesn’t need to frustrate you. Children aren’t always making excuses or being lazy. Sometimes, yes, but oftentimes they just need a bit of instruction.
When a parent asks themselves some evaluation questions before responding to their child’s behavior, the parent is more likely to hit the mark with the lesson the child needs. That might be a correction lesson pointing them toward their skills, or it might be a pre-teach lesson instructing them how to do the task for the first time or simply giving them a refresher.
More often than not, children want to do what their parents tell them to do. But anxiety levels rise when they don’t get the teaching or understanding they need and don’t know how to solve the problem or do the task.
Be patient. Maybe the child just needs a bit of your security and time as you teach or reteach the skill.
Nicholeen answers other parenting questions on the Teaching Self Government and TSG Portal apps.