Friends We Can’t Do Without
Friends We Can’t Do Without
by Mike Powers
Recently, I was texting with four friends I have known since the mid-1970’s when I became the youth director in their church. Separated by miles we often text back and forth with running commentary during games involving our favorite teams. We love sharing the candor, humor, agony and, sometimes, the ecstasy of our passion for sports. On this particular afternoon, our conversation wandered back to when and how we first became acquainted. As we were raised in various denominations, one of the members of the group asked another, Bob, if he was predestined to join our Methodist youth group or did he come by his own free will. Since he did not know what a Calvinist was, Bob could not say one way or another. My response was, “Bob, if that wasn’t God’s sovereign plan, we’re glad you freely chose to join our tribe!” I will never forget Bob’s reply, “I am forever thankful he led us to you. Now I am crying. I love you all so much! I can honestly say every person on this text is a brother to me. That is rare, and I cherish it!”
Bob’s comment was quite remarkable. How rare, indeed, do men express themselves to other men with such personal, transparent and intimate language? How little did I imagine that I would have the high and holy privilege of having such friends 50 years after sharing life and Jesus with this group of teenagers? Such friendships are a sharp contrast to a culture that is increasingly becoming isolated, individualistic, defensive and private.
Consider the fact that very few of us know the first names of neighbors living within 500 yards of our homes. The average American family moves every 5 to 7 years even when the job does not force a move. With so many demands of school, sports, work, etc., there is very little time to build close friendships with others. In our free time, we tend to insulate and isolate ourselves from others on our iPhones, iPads, computers and televisions. We are very careful and selective with whom we share our time and space. This is especially true for men. According to one author (Alan Loy McGinnis, The Friendship Factor), only 10% of all men have any real friends. Barna Group research revealed that over 65% of all pastors (men and women) say they have no close friends or confidants outside the family. That is an alarming statistic. Too few spiritual leaders who are charged with the responsibility of creating and nurturing a dynamic, life-giving community of faith are experiencing such relationships themselves.
This fact remains: we are created in the image of God. The oneness of God, three Persons yet One, is Perfect Love, the ultimate expression of other-love: the Father loves the Son who loves the Father; the Son loves the Spirit who loves the Son; the Spirit loves the Father who loves the Spirit. We are created with a longing to experience and express such intimate, holy love. The possibility of our participating in authentic, loving community and deep, meaningful friendships emanates from the nature of God’s being. The good news is that this longing for intimate relationships is God’s idea, God’s initiative, God’s promise. Faithful is the one who calls you who also will do it (1 Thessalonians 5:24).
Soon after the creation of Adam, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper for him” (Genesis 2:18). This relates directly to the creation of Eve, but it also points out that we are social creatures. No man is an island. No man stands alone. Contrary to the brilliant songwriter Paul Simon, no man or woman is a rock that feels no pain. Our personal and spiritual health is worked out in relationships. It is not good to be alone.
Jesus’ ministry model was centered in an intimate relationship with the 12 apostles whom he repeatedly called “friends” (John 15:15). There also was an inner circle of three with whom he formed an even deeper friendship and shared the deepest thoughts of his heart. We may respectfully refer to the disciples as “friends he could not do without.”
To be a Christian is to be in an intimate relationship with the Triune God, in Christ, with the Father, and with brothers and sisters born of the Spirit. The writer to the Hebrews gave the warning to “not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing” (10:25 NIV). That is a call to be there for each other. Friends don’t quit on friends. Friendship is not an option for a believer. Friendship is essential for every believer. “Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work…Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 12).
There are at least four levels of friendships. (1) Acquaintances are those persons with whom we have occasional contact. Our conversations are general and safe: “Nice weather we are having.” “How about those Wildcats?” We are polite, kind and considerate of our acquaintances, but that is about as far as we go with them. (2) Casual Friends are those with whom we share common interests and activities. We can talk more specifically and personally with casual friends: “How’s that golf game?” “It was good to see you in Sunday School, Kiwanis, Garden Club last week.” Casual friends may see each other quite often because they spend time at the same events; they share common interests. (3) Close Friends make up our third level of friendships. Close friends share mutual life goals and participate with us in achieving those goals: families that go on vacations together, business partners, Bible study groups, AA and other support groups. Working together for the common good draws friends closer to one another. Most people conclude that having close friends is as good as it gets. (4) Intimate Friends is a deeper level of friendship that we all need yet few experience. These are friends who are more than merely polite, who can do more than converse about some topic or even work together for the same goals. Intimate Friends are committed to the development of each other’s character. Intimate Friends help each other with blind spots because honesty, trust and commitment are at the heart of these relationships. Intimate Friends have permission to polish off the rough spots as well as invade our space during the rough times in our lives. “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).
If there was ever someone who needed a friend, it was Jonathan, the son of Saul, King of Israel. The Philistines’ domination over Israel was so complete at that time there were only 2 swords in all the land: Jonathan’s and King Saul’s. While the nation was in the depth of despair, Jonathan believed that if God wanted Israel to be free, it would happen. Others looked down; Jonathan looked up, believing God was able. His bold leadership rallied the people to rebel against the oppressors, but his father’s sin and later rejection by God as leader of Israel left the people worse off than before… and Jonathan very much alone. He, too, became discouraged, thinking there was no hope…. that is until David entered the picture. It was David’s remarkable defeat of Goliath and his bold confidence in God’s strength and presence with him that indicated to Jonathan that David was a man after his own heart.
From that point, David and Jonathan became the best of friends. I Samuel 20:17 (NIV), “And Jonathan made David reaffirm his vow of friendship again, for Jonathan loved David as much as he loved himself.” I contend that there were four things that made their friendship one of the most celebrated in all literature.
First – Jonathan and David were like-minded. “After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond of love between them, and they became the best of friends” (I Samuel 18:1). Literally that reads, “The soul of Jonathan became one in spirit with David.” Jonathan saw that David shared his heart for the Lord and his purposes. Deep friends do not have to always think alike, but they have a shared value system, shared dreams and hopes, and a shared desire to follow the Lord.
Second – Jonathan and David were devoted to each other. “And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt” (1 Samuel 18:3-4). The king’s son, Jonathan, dressed this shepherd, David, in his own garments and symbolically stated, “We stand together, side by side, as equals.” A modern example of such devotion was seen in the life of Anne Sullivan who, as a twenty-year-old, committed her life to helping the blind and deaf seven-year-old Helen Keller. Within 3 years, Helen was writing letters in French to famous persons in Europe. She mastered 5 languages and stayed with Helen through her studies at Radcliffe. Anne Sullivan devoted most of her life to making Helen Keller the remarkable lady and leader she was known to be. Like Jonathan, her deepest desire was to make her friend “royalty.” Anne was “a friend Helen couldn’t do without.”
Third – Jonathan and David were fiercely loyal to each other. King Saul resented this remarkable relationship as he rebuked his son, Jonathan, “As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established” (1 Samuel 20:31 NIV). Yet, as Saul spoke evil against David, Jonathan spoke well of David and even persuaded his father on one occasion to make an oath not to harm David. Loyalty is indispensable in deep friendships. Pascal said, I set this down as a fact, that if all men knew what each other said of the other, there would not be four friends in the world (Penses, 1670). You will never know a deep friendship without mutual loyalty and trust. Intimate friends are fully invested in each other.
Fourth – Jonathan and David were available to each other. Throughout I Samuel, David is constantly fleeing King Saul. On one occasion, David delivered a town from the grip of the Philistines, only to find out that they were plotting to turn him over to King Saul. David fled to the desert, disheartened and terribly discouraged, but Jonathan showed up in that lonely place and pointed him to the Lord who had been the Source of his strength all this life (1 Samuel 23:16). The wise man said in Proverbs 17:17, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” There is no substitute for a friend who shows up unexpected in an hour of need.
The dream that they would rule Israel together in peace one day was not to be. Jonathan, his brothers and father were killed in battle at the hands of the Philistines. David was crushed with sorrow, yet, with the encouragement of Jonathan’s devoted friendship at the significant, formative years of his life, David is remembered as a man after God’s own heart.
The late Dr. Andrew Gallman, a Methodist pastor and evangelist, led me to the place of
surrender of my life to the purposes of Jesus Christ when I was a senior in high school. Andy was a friend who kept showing up during those early, crucial, spiritually formative years. He was an intimate friend who once shared this bit of prose:
What is a friend? I’ll tell you.
It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself.
Your soul can go naked with him.
He seems to ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you really are.
When you are with him, you do not have to be on your guard
You can say what you think, so long as it is genuinely you.
He understands those contradictions in your nature that causes others to misjudge you.
He understands. You can weep with him, laugh with him, pray with him –
Through and underneath it all he sees, knows, and loves you.
A friend, I repeat, is one with whom you dare to be yourself. – Anonymous
Brothers and sisters, the greatest witness we can give our children and their children, and their children, and all who are yet to be born is our life in Christ and the love we share with cherished friends we can’t do without. May it be so.
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