A Social Grief Observed: Joy in Grief Responses to the Death of Dolly Parton
As news broke of Dolly Parton’s death, acquaintances, friends, and coworkers in our circles began to reach out to each other to share her songs, inform each other of fascinating tidbits about her life and philanthropy, or remind each other of her movies. Whether or not these individuals realized it, these are grief responses, and we, the authors, hope that public discourse learns from how society grieved Dolly’s death. Specifically, we see the lesson that grief accompaniment, viewed from a Catholic lens, can encompass joy, delight, and gratitude, not simply sadness.
Dolly Parton’s death surprised many of her fans. She kept the details of her cancer diagnosis private, and shortly before her death spoke confidently of her health and hopes for her future. Stella Parton, Dolly’s younger sister, attributed Dolly’s reticence to reveal the state of her health to the fact that, “she did not want people sad.”
When the news of her death was announced, it precipitated an overwhelming response around the world. The King’s Guard honored Dolly with a performance of her song “9 to 5” outside of Buckingham Palace. Across the Atlantic, the top of the Empire State Building was bathed in a neon pink light at 9:25PM. In the days following her death, the authors encountered people grieving. Since neither of us would identify as Dolly fans, we had not fully realized the extent to which she and her work had entered our experience through her music, film, and philanthropy.
We are both involved in grief accompaniment—Abby as a grief scholar and bereavement doula and Tom as a religious seminarian ministering in pastoral settings. We frequently accompany people who grieve the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a broken relationship, or more. We have seen firsthand that grief responses are complicated and do not easily categorize into neat schemata, such as the “Five Stages of Grief.”
One of the grief myths prevalent in the public imagination that we seem to consistently encounter is that grief is an emotion basically equivalent to sadness. However, grief is far more than just one emotion. Consider the wave of fondness that can wash over us when we remember a loved one’s mannerisms, or the relief that we can experience in our hope that a loved one feels no more pain. Consider the hint of joy someone might experience upon losing a job but now finding themselves open to new possibilities; or the warmth of remembrance when we see a pet who looks similar to the one we lost. None of these realities negates sorrow or replaces sadness. Rather, grief encompasses a wide range of emotions.
Societally, we tend to think that grief is something to be endured until we can reclaim joy again. However, this perspective of grief is too limited. As Catholics, we ought to view grief in a holistic way. The Catechism clarifies that “The word ‘catholic’ means ‘universal,’ in the sense of ‘according to the totality’ or ‘in keeping with the whole’” (§830). A Catholic lens must then look at the whole of the thing. According to the whole, grief is a state of being far beyond simply one emotion, not just stomach-wrenching sorrow. It is a holistic experience of loss, experienced by a whole person, expansive and subsuming, involving a wide variety of emotions.
Dolly Parton’s death and the grief that followed have highlighted to us the ways in which folks may already honor the whole of the experience of grief, while perhaps not even recognizing what they experience as grief. The grief responses we have seen to Dolly’s death have been overwhelmingly joyous. Part of this may be because of her unpolarized nature or because of her eclectic contributions to society (even those who were not fans of her music could find something to praise). The joy expressed may be partly attributable to the fact that Dolly was a sign of unity amid a deeply divided society.
It was a relief for people to bond over a public figure without fear of social criticism, and this elicited the joy that we saw. While this may be true, we think it does not capture the full picture. Instead, the grief response to Dolly’s death reveals something about the nature of grief that seems counterintuitive: grief can be a joy-filled experience. We see two lessons society can learn from the public response.
Lesson #1: Grief Accompaniment Means Being Present to More than Sadness
Both the authors observed and received invitations to enter into grief accompaniment after Dolly’s death. These invitations were not requests to enter into someone’s sorrow as frequently as they were offerings of the sharing of delight.
When Abby talked with her daughter about Dolly’s passing, her daughter grieved the death of the woman who created the Imagination Library, a literacy program which sends a new book to a child every month from birth through their fifth birthday. In mourning together, Abby and her daughter turned on Dolly’s songs and sang and danced. They read a picture book about Dolly they had recently checked out from the library. Her daughter gathered some of the books Dolly had sent through the Imagination Library and held them as treasured mementos.
The opportunity for Abby to enter into grief accompaniment was not just holding her daughter through tears or listening to her express sorrow. In addition to holding space for feelings of sadness, the companioning Abby was asked to provide in this scenario involved fond remembrances, eager learning, curious exploration of books not recently read, and even joyous dancing.
Whether deliberate or not, the public response to Dolly’s death has, to some extent, followed what her sister described as her wish: sadness has not been the defining characteristic of this grief. Instead, many emotions exist as a part of the whole experience of grief. In being invited into others’ grief around Dolly, many of us have been invited into experiences of joy or delight, curiosity or comfort. The grieving have shared favorite songs on social media, inviting others to listen or even dance; they have praised Dolly’s public health advocacy; or they have asked others to join them in investing in child literacy in honoring her love of books. All of these invitations to grief accompaniment are invitations into something other than sorrow—gratitude, eagerness, even joy.
Dolly’s death has provided a beautiful social opportunity for many people to become more grief-informed by supporting others through grief in surprising and unexpected ways. The arrow of accompaniment is changed from the typical expectation. While usually, people grieving wait for those who accompany them to approach them to provide accompaniment, people grieving Dolly actively sought out others to grieve with them. In many kinds of grief, this is seen as socially inappropriate because foisting one’s sorrow upon another, especially in a society that prizes independence, is an invasive thing to do. However, people are more than eager to share their Dolly connection, their favorite Dolly fact, their delighted Dolly memory with others in seeking their grief accompaniment.
The expansiveness of grief means that grief accompaniment is expansive too. The public reaction to Dolly’s death reminds us that companioning someone in grief can mean more than only entering into someone else’s sadness. When we enter into the wholeness of grief, that can mean entering into someone’s joy. Perhaps this reminder can help demystify grief accompaniment at a societal level, or make it feel less intimidating.
Lesson #2: A Joy-Filled Grief Response Can Strengthen Community
The joyous grief response creates particular opportunities to strengthen community. Many people experienced joy when they reflected on the impact that Dolly made in their lives. Their instinct was to listen to her music, watch her movies, and share their appreciation of her gifts and talents with others. Shortly after Dolly’s death, Tom was invited to a 9 to 5 watch party to commemorate Dolly.
The movie was projected onto a screen to accommodate a larger audience. Snacks, of course, were provided. In this case, Dolly’s death became an occasion to strengthen community. Guests were invited to enter into the joy of a communal grief response. If we view this expression of joy as a manifestation of grief, then we might be more likely to welcome opportunities like this watch-party invitation for the sake of community. The movie watch party is transformed from someone’s idiosyncratic fascination into an occasion for grief accompaniment and intentional community building.
The lesson extends beyond Dolly. We often encounter people who will share with us joyous memories of their deceased loved ones. Perhaps someone will cook and serve a cherished meal that their grandparents made for them as a child. Or maybe they will invite us to a special place that brings back fond memories of their family. These too are opportunities for grief accompaniment and strengthening community. Acknowledging this joy as an expression of grief can increase our empathy and make us a little more willing to build relationships despite our own inconvenience or disinterest.
These community bonds will last. One does not soon forget someone who showed up for the funeral of a close family member or friend. A more expansive understanding of grief will help us better love each other and strengthen our communion in Christ. Through the joy-filled grief response, we embrace a little more of the whole of the human person, a wholeness that marks the identity of the Catholic faith.
Conclusion
Millions of people are grieving Dolly, not just with tears, but with stories, books, laughter, gratitude—in sadness, yes, but also in joy. All of these can be natural parts of the whole human experience that is grief.
Recognizing the joy-filled grief response affords us the opportunities to enter into others’ delights and to strengthen our communities. Dolly’s legacy now extends beyond her toe-tapping music, her legendary artistic collaborations, her classic movies, and her contributions to health and literacy.
Her legacy invites us to become more grief-informed through the joyous responses to her life.
