Getting Beyond Discipline: The Transformative Power of Compassion in Parenting
Since I consider the book Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott to be a masterwork of empathetic, yet disciplined child raising, I was delighted when Haim’s widow, Alice Ginott, gave me her approval to update and revise the book. As I met with her in her NYC apartment, I asked Alice why compassion was so important to Haim. Why did he dedicate his life and career to teaching compassion in workshops and in his famous books?
Alice looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet. She sighed. “Haim had a mother who could never honor his preferences. When he said he wanted pancakes for breakfast, she would reply, ‘Oh, no! Eggs are much better for you. I will make you some eggs.’”
So, Haim wrote his best-selling book to teach parents to enter their children’s worlds. In story after story, Haim taught compassion.
For example, Haim told the story of two teen girls, cousins, who spent the summer together. When summer ended, Sophia went home and Ava was left lonely and miserable. She moped around the house and complained about her misery.
This is the point where a parent makes the fateful compassion decision. We parents decide whether we will enter the child’s experience or ask them to set aside their struggles and pains so we won’t be inconvenienced.
Often we try to be compassionate: “That is so hard, Dear.” “I’m sorry Sophia had to leave.”
But, when the misery continues, we lose patience. We start to preach. “You’ll find another friend.” “You’ll get over it.”
And, when all patience is gone, “You’ve been moping around long enough! It’s time to stop!”
Let’s try being Ava for a minute. What’s your reaction to those motherly responses? Sadness? Frustration? Alienation? Anger? Preaching does not heal.
In a time of pain and turmoil, Mom marginalized her daughter’s feelings and prescribed how she should be reacting rather than comforting her. And thus, we see that King Benjamin was right: “The natural parent is an enemy to children and has been from the fall of Adam” (Mosiah 3:19 adapted).
Compassion does not come naturally to fallen humans. It requires us to get outside our own needs and enter someone else’s world. This is precisely what Jesus did when He left His home on high to enter our experience and absorb every pain, infirmity, and disappointment mortality has to offer. He immersed Himself in our experience. To offer compassion is to be godly.
Haim offered these thoughts: “Ava’s mother might have said to herself, ‘Ava is distressed. I can help her best by showing that I understand what pains her. How can I do that? By reflecting her feelings to her.’” Haim suggested that Mom could say something like:
“It will be lonely without Sophia.”
“You miss her already.”
“It is hard to be apart when you are so used to being together.”
“The house must seem kind of empty to you without Sophia around.”
Those responses show that Mom has entered Ava’s world and opened her heart to Ava’s experience.
Here is the big surprise. Nothing will bring peace to Ava quite like being understood. Compassion is soothing, renewing, and restorative. While correction creates resistance, compassion builds connection and consolation.
That is why Jesus teaches and practices compassion. It is healing!
Sometimes we misunderstand compassion and suppose that it requires us to accede to the child’s demands. But Haim did not suggest bringing Sophia back. He did not suggest that Mom offer a special treat to soothe Ava’s pain. He suggested something better: the healing of the soul that comes with compassion.
Let’s go back to Haim’s childhood experience of expressing a desire for pancakes and feeling like his mother never honored his preferences.
As parents, it is our job to act in the best interest of the child and to set wise limits. Compassion does not mean their preferences are always going to be accommodated. And it does not mean parents cede their role in establishing limits.
Compassion means that we help our children feel heard. We care about their feelings. We do not cause them to feel humiliated. So, we do not say something like, “Well, I have made eggs so that is what you are having and I don’t want to hear any more complaining!” This approach pits mother’s will against the child.
Compassion is parenting with a willingness to enter your children’s world to better understand them and to reassure them that they are being seen and heard.
When Haim expressed a preference for pancakes, if his mother intended to make eggs, perhaps she might have responded, “I know you love pancakes! We can plan to have pancakes later this week. Today we are having eggs. Would you like toast or fruit with your eggs, or both?”
To some parents, responding with compassion may seem like more time or more work. There is the temptation to say, “Just eat what I put in front of you!” But life is not primarily about breakfast foods. It is first and foremost about relationships. When we understand that, we focus less on the food and more on feelings. We can set limits while understanding feelings. When children feel understood and valued, they are happier and they work with their parents to solve problems. When children regularly experience compassion, they become caring adults who are more likely to be loving spouses, effective parents, and helpful neighbors.
That is what we want in our children.
If you want to be better at showing compassion, you can find Haim’s classic Between Parent and Child on Amazon.
Invitation to Share Gratitude!
This season, build the spirit of gratitude in your family and among your friends by sharing an extraordinary book. God’s Trophies is a heartwarming children’s tale about Rupert learning gratitude for all of God’s creations. Rupert’s whimsical adventure also teaches children that they are each God’s most beloved creation. Wonderful illustrations accompany the clever story. This book would make an excellent holiday gift for special people in your life. For the holiday season, I am offering five copies of God’s Trophies—a $ 67.50 value—for $ 25 with free shipping in the US.
To get this special offer, go to Etsy
Thanks to Barbara Keil for her valuable refinements of this article.
The post Getting Beyond Discipline: The Transformative Power of Compassion in Parenting first appeared on Meridian Magazine.
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