Angry Christians Do Not Make Loving Disciples
In today’s reading from his Letter to the Ephesians (Ephesians 4: 17-32) the apostle Paul warns the church at Ephesus and us about danger of letting our feelings control our thoughts and actions and causing us to say and do things that hurt others.
Paul quotes the first half of a verse from Psalm 4. The entire verse is “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent” (Psalm 4: 4 NLT).
While it may be appropriate to express anger in a particular set of circumstances, what Paul has in mind is nursing our anger, hanging on to our feelings of displeasure with someone and allowing these feelings to influence how we think and how we act. Anger can distort our thinking to point that we lose touch with reality and misinterpret a situation. When we bottle things up and do not talk about the things that make us angry, we become angrier and may act out our anger in ways that may hurt ourselves as well as others.
Depending upon the kind of environment in which they grew up, people learn to express their anger or not to express it. Some learn to express their anger directly; others, indirectly. Some learn to express their anger appropriately; others, inappropriately.
When we express our anger directly, we speak to the person with whom we are angry and we put our anger into words. Verbalizing our feelings, psychologists, have found makes them less intense. It also makes letting go of anger and unhappiness easier.
When we express anger indirectly we give expression to our anger in a roundabout way. We may have a more difficult time letting go of anger and resentment.
We express our anger indirectly when we are sarcastic—use remarks that clearly mean the opposite of what we say, in order to hurt someone’s feelings; slight someone—insult them by ignoring them or treat them as if they are not important; give them the cold-shoulder—show an unfriendly attitude toward someone, especially by intentionally ignoring or showing no interest in them; sulk—be silent and refuse to smile or be pleasant to people; give someone the silent treatment—not speak to someone, or speak to them very little; stonewall them—shut down the conversation or refuses to interact with them; gossip about them—talk about their private lives and say things that are unkind, disapproving, or untrue; spread rumors intended to hurt or upset them; procrastinate—keep delaying doing things that we are doing for them; and otherwise making trouble for them. (These definitions and some other words and phrases used in this homily are adapted from the Cambridge Dictionary.) For example, we might insinuate that the person with whom we are angry is guilty of some impropriety such as helping themselves to money in the coffee fund coin jar. While it may be proved that what we insinuated was not true, we have cast a shadow of suspicion over them and have prejudiced other people against them, damaging their reputation. We may even express our anger secretly or in a hidden way such as taking small items from their workstation, items which they may not at first notice are missing. We may impulsively key their car in the parking lot. We may not realize that we are acting out of anger.
Because of their early childhood experiences some people may be angry but are not aware of their anger. One or both parents discouraged them from expressing anger, so they learned to hide their anger, going as far as hiding it from themselves. They may act angry but are not in touch with their angry feelings.
The appropriateness of anger is determined by its suitability to a particular place, time, or situation. Other factors that determine its appropriateness is its duration, its intensity, its proportion to the situation that triggered it, and the manner in which it is expressed.
When we express our anger in an appropriate manner, we take responsibility for our feelings of anger and do not blame them on someone else. We use I-statement, “I feel angry when my feelings are ignored,” and we do not verbally or physically attack the person with whom we are angry. Expressing our anger in an appropriate manner is an important step in managing our anger rather than allowing our anger to control us.
Paul tells the Ephesian church and us that in permitting our anger to control us, we are sinning. He does not say that anger itself is sinful, but letting it control us. When we allow our anger to consume us, it affects everything we do. We stew in our own anger and nurse a grudge rather than let go of our anger and resentment and forgive whoever is the object of our displeasure. We choose to be unpleasant and spiteful over being pleasant and kind. We may go to great lengths to show our displeasure with them. We may shut down all communication with them while at the same finding various ways to make their life miserable. We want them to feel the pain or hurt that they may have caused us.
When we fly off the handle, react in a very angry way to something that someone says or does, or we are short-tempered and get angrily easily, often for no good reason, we also letting anger control us.
When we let anger take the driver’s seat in our lives, we make it near impossible for us live the way that God through Jesus taught us to live—to love others and to be forbearing of them, to be patient and forgiving with them. We are sinning because we are letting our anger keep us from doing what is pleasing to God—listening to Jesus and doing what he says.
As Paul draws to the attention of the Ephesian church and us, we give opportunity to the devil when we harbor anger and resentment toward another person. We create a situation in which the harmful spiritual forces working in our lives gain influence over us and exploit our anger to hurt others and ourselves.
A person who is angry does not think very clearly and may act impulsively without giving much thought to the consequences of their actions. They may do things that they might otherwise not do.
A young woman angry at her friends because they warned her against a man whom she had started dating might ignore their warnings only to discover what her friends had told her was true when a video of her having sex with the man appears on the internet. Unknown to her the man had videoed them having sex, shared the video with his friends, and posted it on the internet.
Paul goes on to urge us to rid ourselves of “all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander.” Bitterness is a mixture of anger, sadness, and disappointment. Bitterness can keep us from forgiving others. Rage is extreme or violent anger. It can cause us to do physical harm to others. By “anger” Paul appears to mean the strong feelings that make us want to hurt someone or be unpleasant and which we have been feeling for a long period, not what we feel when something unfair, painful, or bad happens at the time that it happens. Harsh words are words that are unpleasant, unkind, cruel, or more severe than is necessary. They are the kinds of words that we may speak when we are angry. Slander are false spoken statements which damage someone’s reputation. We may also say bad things about someone to influence other people’s opinion of them when we are angry.
Paul further urges—
“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
When we are kind, we are generous, helpful, and considerate of other people’s feelings. When we are tender-hearted, we are gentle and caring. When we forgive someone, we stop blaming them or being mad at them for something that they have done, and we do not punish them for doing it.
While Paul does not specifically address the use of anger in the form of explosive outbursts or the silent treatment to manipulate and control people what he urges us to do would not be consistent with that type of behavior. Among the other behaviors which what he says appear to preclude is criticizing someone in a way that shows we do not respect or value them or acting in a way that does the same thing. We are apt to do that sort of thing when we are angry.
Psychologists who study anger describe the attitude accompanying such behavior as “thinging.” We no longer see the person as a human being but as a thing. Once we begin to see someone as a thing, we are less likely to have any inhibition against treating them cruelly or even killing them.
If one conclusion can be drawn from what Paul says about anger in today’s reading, it is that angry Christians do not make loving disciples. Their anger keeps them from living their lives according to Jesus’ teachings and example. It is true that Jesus drove the cattle and sheep dealers and money changers out of the Temple in Jerusalem with a whip made from a knotted rope. But Jesus did not let his anger control him. He did not let it keep him from obeying God. He was always in the driver’s seat, not his anger. He put God’s will first and not his own.