A Catholic Guide to Practicing Consent in Marriage

Anyone familiar with Catholic discourse about sex ethics will be well aware of the importance typically given to the procreative end or purpose of sexuality. But what about the unitive end of sex, also known as “the good of the spouses themselves,” which, the Catechism states, “cannot be separated” from the procreative end (CCC, §2363)? This seems too often to be passed over in silence. In breaking the silence here, I would like to extend an invitation to the Catholic world at large: let us begin to talk more about how spouses can have good sex—in other words, sex that is fully consensual and good for both spouses, and that brings them closer together in marital unity.

For the purposes of this discussion, then, I will largely set aside the procreative end of sex as a given, and will focus on the oft-neglected unitive end of sex. I will frame this discussion through the prism of sexual consent, aiming to translate this often fraught and abstract ethical norm into concrete suggestions that married couples can live out in their everyday lives. I will begin by introducing the concept of sexual consent and what it means. I will then propose practical ways that couples can practice what I term consent as a way of being together, cultivating this positive relational virtue for the sake of greater happiness and holiness as they strive to live out their vocation.

The first, most important thing we can say about good, unitive sex is that it must be freely chosen. This is true always and without exception. Free will is a basic human power, and its sanctity as such is always upheld by the Church:

Freedom is the power, rooted in reason and will, to act or not to act, to do this or that, and so to perform deliberate actions on one’s own responsibility. By free will one shapes one’s own life. Human freedom is a force for growth and maturity in truth and goodness; it attains its perfection when directed toward God, our beatitude (CCC, §1731).

In good sex, as in all other parts of life, the human person’s free will must be respected and honored. This means that any and all sexual contact must be freely chosen and welcomed by both partners. At a minimum, spouses should always be given a chance to say “yes” or “no” to any kind of sexual activity with one another, on an ongoing basis throughout a sexual encounter. This concept is commonly called “consent,” and it is widely acknowledged as a basic and necessary condition for sex to be good. Philosopher Manon Garcia, in her recent book entitled, The Joy of Consent: A Philosophy of Good Sex, writes: “It is impossible to imagine morally justifiable sex that is not consented to by the partners.”[1]

I have written elsewhere about why sexual consent should be embraced by Catholics who wish to be faithful to the Magisterium’s teaching on sexual morality, and have addressed the evil of sexual coercion, emphasizing, as it were, “what not to do” in order to have good, unitive, consensual sex. The next question is, “What, then, should we do?” Readers who acknowledge the importance of consent may yet find themselves asking, “But how does this look? Should partners explicitly ask each other for sex each time they want to initiate? Should they go one step further and sign written contracts, as some ethicists have suggested?”

What exactly consent means, and what it requires of moral agents, is not always clear. Garcia conducts a brilliant analysis of the ambiguities embedded in current public discourse on consent, tracing many of the conceptual and practical difficulties with this concept to a conflation of two disparate ideas, the “liberal” and the “Kantian” notions of consent, which entail drastically different underlying philosophical assumptions and practical implications.[2] The liberal notion, she clarifies, is “a formal conception that is easily implemented but carries only moderate normative power,” since its primary aim is merely “establishing the fact of formal agreement,”[3] (as in the suggestion above of written contracts). Meanwhile, the Kantian notion is “a substantive conception that is hard to implement but has deep normative power,” since it is primarily concerned with “recognizing dignity and respecting humanity,”[4] (a deeply relational notion that will be unpacked further below). Ultimately Garcia determines that only the stronger Kantian conception of consent is able to do the work that we as a society need it to do: “The liberal conception of consent cannot be thought to have the normative power of the Kantian conception. Nor can consent on the liberal model be sufficient in determining that sex is good.”[5]

This Kantian notion will be familiar to readers who are acquainted with Karol Wojtiła’s philosophical anthropology in Love and Responsibility, in which he endorses the Kantian “personalistic norm” which states that “persons have such great dignity that never, under any circumstance, is it acceptable to use a person as a means to an end. Stated positively, the personalistic norm says that the only proper response to another person is that of love.”[6]

In elaborating on what a rich Kantian notion of consent means in practice, Garcia argues for a “relational” understanding of consent as an “erotic conversation,” whereby “consent is created by the partners through the ongoing exchange of agreement with one another,” and she emphasizes that this exchange must be “ongoing throughout the sexual activity.”[7] In what follows I will be taking Garcia’s vision of consent as an ongoing erotic conversation as my paradigm for what this concept means.

Building upon this vision, I would like to advocate that couples learn how to practice consent as a way of being in their relationship, that is, as a relational virtue. This phrase is intended to evoke the idea that spouses should get to know each other through and through, so that they can readily detect when something is amiss or consent may be lacking during their intimate interactions. Consent, after all, is not merely a verbalized statement that happens once explicitly at the beginning of a sexual encounter. Although this is the essential first step, it is only the beginning. Consent is an ongoing process that evolves as the experience does. And since much of the communication that happens during a sexual encounter may be non-verbal or only partially verbal, the goal of cultivating consent as a way of being in one’s relationship is to learn one another’s “tells,” so spouses can detect subtle signs of hesitancy or discomfort in addition to positive signs of pleasure and willingness. It is worth pointing out that Catholic couples can begin to learn and practice this relational virtue together even before their wedding day, or outside a sexual context. But how? We will now turn to the practical question of how Catholic couples might begin to introduce consent as a positive principle into their intimate conversations and ways of relating with one another, particularly, for those who are married, through their sexual relationship.

As a preliminary consideration, let couples remember that sex is an extension and culmination of their emotional intimacy. A good sex life builds on the marital relationship’s foundation of trust and security.[8] So, where trust is missing or damaged, the intervention of a qualified couple’s therapist may be needed in order to repair this foundation and create openness for a renewed and unitive sex life. Other couples may simply need the professional support of a neutral third party in order to work through the relational obstacles or communication issues they are experiencing in their marriage. By seeking help, Catholic couples can help to dismantle the stigma which has historically been associated with professional therapy. In truth, reaching out for help when needed is a courageous choice that couples can make together, one which demonstrates a commitment to pursuing sanctity in their God-given vocation. Engagement and pre-marital counseling is another wonderful way that couples can prioritize their vocation and prevent nascent issues from developing into more significant barriers in their marriage or subsequent sex life. Thus, professional couple’s therapy can be a good place to start when couples find they need a little extra support in creating a good, holy, and unitive sex life together.

With that caveat in place, I will now offer five practical suggestions for how couples can cultivate what I have called consent as a way of being in their relationship. Please note that the first three suggestions may be accessible and beneficial for all couples, while the last two are meant specifically for those who are already married. All five suggestions are based upon empirical research literature from the field of couples counseling and sex therapy.

First, couples need to talk to each other about sex.[9] Depending on the reader’s frame of reference, this may seem either obvious or scandalous. Regardless, it is truly important for couples to talk to one another about both their sexual hopes for the future, and (for those who are married) to debrief what they have enjoyed about their sexual experiences with one another in the past.[10] Catholic counselor and author Gregory Popcak affirms this notion: “A healthy sexual relationship cannot flourish . . . if a couple isn’t comfortable enough with each other to say out loud what they need from the other to be sexually satisfied.”[11] And research strongly suggests that simply talking to one another about sex leads to happy relationships.[12] Both the frequency and quality of “conversations about sex are strongly correlated with a couple’s happiness, particularly for women.”[13] This last part, “particularly for women,” makes sense when we consider the sociocultural context, observed by Garcia, in which women are not socialized to express their sexual preferences, while “men are not socialized to pay attention to women’s pleasure.”[14] This means that “social norms make it difficult for women to be heard and easy for men to ignore, actively or not, what the women they have sex with want.”[15]

It is therefore all the more important for any given Catholic husband to make a point of asking his wife questions about her sexual preferences, and listening carefully to the answers she gives. In all conversations about sex, both spouses should endeavor to speak openly, candidly, and as specifically as possible. Vagueness may help to assuage discomfort with the topic in the short term, but it will inevitably lead to difficult misunderstandings down the road. Sometimes having an external prompt can help couples to get these conversations off the ground. The Gottman Card Deck app is a great tool which I frequently recommend to my therapy clients for this purpose. I recommend couples start with the deck entitled “Sex Questions,” although the other decks in this app such as “Love Maps” or “Rituals of Connection” are also wonderful tools to aid in getting to know one’s partner in a deeper way and increasing the overall emotional intimacy of the relationship. Furthermore, in order for couples to have detailed discussions, “we need language to describe what feels good and what doesn’t.”[16] It can be helpful to negotiate a shared language or set of terms for body parts, sexual techniques, orgasm, and the like. Euphemisms can be helpful in removing barriers to sexual communication for some couples. Straightforward anatomical terminology may work better for others. Couples can decide together which kinds of terms suit them best.

Second, couples need to prioritize emotional intimacy, affectionate touch, and other non-sexual rituals of connection in their daily life together.[17] As Popcak observes: “If a couple does not share deep intimacy, close communication, and abundant affection and affirmation in their day-to-day relationship, then instead of representing the fruit of their loving, their sexual relationship will seem like something awkwardly grafted onto the tree of their lives together.”[18] These modes of affection and connection will look different for each unique couple, but it is important to learn what kinds of affection are welcome and wanted by one’s partner, and to make a point to offer these gestures often.

For example, couples can learn to give each other a fifteen-minute deep massage regularly, whether daily or weekly. A study conducted by psychologist Tiffany Field at the University of Miami found that “there were dramatic effects of postpartum depression for mothers who received fifteen minutes a day of massage. These effects were comparable to antidepressants,” but without any side-effects, and with the additional benefit that “if dad is massaging mom, they have a way of literally staying ‘in touch’ with one another, even when she is feeling no sexual desire.”[19] Again, this kind of non-sexual affection builds the relationship’s foundation of emotional intimacy which is so crucial in setting the stage for a fulfilling sex life together: “a good sex life requires talking, touching, knowing one’s partner romantically, and establishing and maintaining an emotional connection that makes both people want to be excited, carefree, playful, open, vulnerable, and erotic with one another.”[20]

Third, in any physically intimate encounter (whether sexual or merely affectionate), couples need to learn to “read” each other by staying attentive to one another’s moment-to-moment behavioral cues which convey underlying feelings and preferences. And when in doubt, it is always best to simply ask. For example: “Is this okay?” “Not so much?” “How are you feeling right now, honey?” or “What’s up, buttercup?” Let the reader take note that this kind of attentiveness can (and should) be practiced in a variety of non-sexual situations. This will help bolster the emotional intimacy of the relationship, which creates the necessary foundation for a good sex life. And again, for unmarried couples, moments of non-sexual affection can provide an ideal context in which to begin to learn one another’s unique preferences, feelings, and behavioral cues indicating both hesitancy and willingness. Philosopher Manon Garcia views this level of attunement to be essential for a robust “conception of consent that lays the foundation for morally good sexuality,”[21] one in which consent can truly function “as the expression of the autonomous will of human beings and thus of their dignity.”[22] Garcia gives the following illustration of how this lofty vision of consent can be lived out:

One must pay very specific and careful attention to the other in order to know what the other really wants and what conditions need to be present for the expression of consent to be possible. If these conditions are met, then consent is a sufficient condition for sex to be not only permissible but also good.[23]

Fourth, married couples need to create “a ritual for initiating and gently refusing sex.”[24] Put another way, couples should “understand the initiation of the sexual act on the model of an invitation or gift,” in which they use shared verbal conventions to extend and either accept or politely decline this invitation, and both parties understand, as with other types of invitations, that “one can be disappointed at the refusal of one’s invitation, but one cannot be offended.”[25] The important thing is to find a shared set of conventions that both spouses feel open to using consistently.

Here are some practical ideas for ways to suggest one’s spouse try initiating sex: “Simply tell me you want to make love,” “Rub my back in a circle when we’re in bed,” “Ask me if we can have some time alone together today,” or “Leave me a note [or a text message] telling me you want me tonight.”[26] Another good way for couples to communicate sexual desire is using “a scale of one to nine for how amorous you feel, with one meaning “not at all amorous,” five meaning “I’m convince-able,” and nine meaning “I’m very amorous.”[27] As for refusing sex, this should always be done gently and with assurances that the refusal is not meant as a personal rejection or as an indication of any lack of attraction to one’s spouse. (Along these lines, take care to “never comment adversely about your attraction to your partner.”[28]) Instead, make a statement such as, “I usually would love having sex with you, but I need to take a rain check. Right now I’m really not in the mood. But I still find you very attractive,” or “I’m sorry honey, but it’s not the right time for love making for me. I still love you a lot, and you are very beautiful,” or, utilize the amorous scale (above) and simply say “Sorry, right now I’m a one.”[29]

Fifth, married couples need to consider consent as an ongoing conversation that takes place “before, during, and after sex,”[30] and unfolds organically and dynamically throughout the sexual encounter. As Garcia illustrates:

In a real conversation, not “talking at” but “talking with,” interlocutors pay attention to each other throughout. In the sexual conversation, the participants note each other’s potentially shifting desires, movements, and situations. Throughout, the focus is on the deeply relational character of sexual practice.[31]

At any point during an intimate encounter, one or both spouses may need a little space, a brief pause, a full stop, or just a moment to catch their breath. Therefore, couples need to get comfortable with both asking for space and giving space whenever this is needed during sex. For example, one might say, “Hey, pause!” “Time-out!” or “Hold on, one sec.” And the other should immediately honor that request. One might need to communicate feeling uncomfortable with something or even experiencing physical discomfort or pain, as in the case of the common female condition called vaginismus in which vaginal tension causes pain or prevents vaginal penetration. She might say, for instance, “Stop, that hurts!” or “Gently does it!” And her spouse should immediately and sensitively honor the request.

Here again, we must bear in mind the sociocultural context of gender norms. As Garcia reminds us, “Social training makes it hard for women to say no, so demanding that they do so imposes a burden. Requiring a woman to explicitly refuse sex goes against social norms or both communication and femininity.”[32] Therefore, the easier it is to ask for (and honor a request for) space in a heated moment, the better. To this end, couples should consider ways to set themselves up for success with this kind of communication during a sexual encounter. It can be helpful to establish an agreed-upon “tap out” signal, i.e., some kind of physical gesture that conveys the message “stop,” “pause,” or “I need some space,” which may be easier than having to say something out loud. Couples should practice this signal together during non-intimate moments so they will be sure to recognize it later on. A “code word” is another great tool to have as a couple, which serves the same function of asking one’s spouse to “please stop.” It can be any word of their choosing which both spouses will readily recognize in an intimate moment so they can immediately respect their spouse’s request for space.

In summary, let us review the discussion we have had today about sex, consent, and how to foster the unitive end of the marital act. I began this article with a call to the wider Catholic culture of which I am proudly a part: let us begin to talk about how to have good, consensual sex that is good for both spouses, and brings them closer together in marital unity. Along the way, I have examined how Catholic couples might practically use consent as a positive relational virtue in their relationships. I have encouraged couples to practice what I have termed consent as a way of being in their intimate interactions, thus becoming more sensitive to one another’s subtle signals of both hesitancy and willingness in sexual encounters, all for the sake of cultivating a good and unitive sex life. I have advocated repairing the marital foundation of emotional closeness and trust when this has been damaged, by seeking the professional support of couple’s therapy when needed in order to seek a thriving and unitive sex life together.

Finally, I have offered five practical suggestions for how couples can cultivate this virtuous way of being together: make a point to talk to each other openly about sex and use a shared terminology for these conversations, prioritize affection and other non-sexual rituals of connection in daily life together, practice attuning to one another’s “tells” and feelings in physically intimate or affectionate interactions, create a ritual for initiating and gently refusing sex, and practice consent as an ongoing conversation that unfolds throughout the sexual encounter by using tools such as a “code word” or physical “tap out” signal to help facilitate requests for space in intimate moments.

I would like to close my remarks with a final call to my readers. If you have benefitted from this discussion of unitive sex and consent, please consider using it to start a conversation about sex in an appropriate context with a fellow Catholic, most especially, if you are married, with your spouse. I trust you will find this to be well worth it.

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