Supporting a Spouse in Church Service
My husband is serving as bishop/branch president for the third time. The first time he was the bishop of a resident ward, the second time he was branch president of a YSA branch and he is currently the bishop of a Spanish-speaking ward that covers two stakes. It has not always been easy being married to the bishop. I was not one of those wives who “never uttered a word of complaint” about all the time my spouse spent away from the family. I confess, I uttered a complaint or two. Eventually I realized his job was difficult enough without my tugging on him at home and I had to learn how to wholeheartedly support my spouse in his various church callings.
Extra Burdens
When Bret first served as a bishop, we had young children. The hardest thing about this era was the additional responsibility I had to carry. He was often not available to drive the children to their various activities. On Sundays, I wrestled them into the car alone and wrestled them on the pews all by myself. In the middle of our weekly date night, he was frequently called away and we had to cut our date short. He spent lots of time in meetings, on the computer and on the telephone, leaving me to manage the children. His limited vacation days were spent at scout camp or girls’ camp or trek, or quest or EFY.
We patched the wound in our marriage in various ways. These were temporary solutions, but they did keep me from bleeding out. For example, sometimes Bret would take one of the children with him on visits, which lightened my burden. He limited the days he scheduled interviews to Sundays and one day during the week. When he had able counselors, he delegated some responsibilities to them. (Although when he served as a bishop the first time, his first counselor only lived in the ward six months out of the year and his second counselor worked with National Guard two Sundays a month).
Left Out
Even more taxing than the physical stress on me was the emotional strain on our marriage. We had been accustomed to sharing everything with one another and suddenly Bret had a whole world of concerns that did not concern me. Sharing our burdens with one another and counseling with one another had been of the ways we had bonded as a couple. All of the sudden he was sharing his burdens with his counselors and it felt like he didn’t need me.
Fortunately, a wise stake president advised Bret to “use your wife as a 3rd counselor.” The stake president was a pioneer in recognizing the value of including a female point of view in ecclesiastical decisions. This counsel helped our relationship tremendously. Bret didn’t share the names of the people in the ward he was concerned about. He could share the situation for us to counsel effectively together. This not only helped me feel like I was part of his life again, it lifted his burden and helped him find solutions that he desperately needed.
I assured him that I was good at keeping confidences. (I was a Licensed Mental Health Counselor by profession and it was my ethical responsibility to master this skill.) Even though I didn’t know the names of the people he was helping, I still refused to share what we talked about with anybody but my spouse. He could be reassured that I was a “safety deposit box” not an ATM. I would keep his confidences locked up, and never spit out withdrawals.
The Ultimate Secret to our Success
The biggest discovery we made, and the change that has defined our church service, was when we both cared equally about our flock. His sheep became my sheep. The people he loved became the people I loved. No longer did he leave to fulfill “his calling.” We decided that whenever he served, it would be “our calling.”
In one ward, I was called to serve as a seminary teacher, ministering to the same youth throughout the week that Bret ministered to on Sundays. Another time he called me to teach the youth Sunday School class, so I could teach our youth on the two Sundays when they were not in their quorum or YW classes. When he went to visit a new family in the ward, he invited me to come with him so we could get to know them together. When somebody wanted an interview on a day other than those he set aside for interviews, he invited them to come to our home where I could feel their spirit, and champion their need. Together we mourned with those who mourned and comforted those who stood in need of comfort.
One night we were on a date and a frantic mother in the ward called saying she had fought with her teenage son, and he had fled to his girlfriend’s house. I was the one who suggested we leave the restaurant immediately and go find the boy. We arrived at the girlfriend’s house to find the couple in a very compromising situation. The young man came with us and stayed in our home for a few days until he and his mother could reconcile.
While serving with The Young Single Adults we were immersed in activities. We were constantly being invited to all kinds of events. They had a “break-the-fast” every single month. I brought my casserole and stayed to fellowship with the young singles. The YSA were diligent about their Monday night home evening and I joined them playing soccer, or 10-square or bottle-baseball, or whatever they had planned. They became my sheep, just as they were Bret’s.
Blessed as Mission Leaders
The value of serving side-by-side enabled us to truly relish our time as mission leaders. For three years we were “attached at the hip.” We spent every day together at district meetings, zone conferences, baptisms, making transfers, and visiting investigators. We felt more unified than we ever had before in our marriage. Sometimes a missionary asked if I could sit in on an interview he had scheduled with the mission president. Sometimes a missionary asked if he or she could have an interview alone with me. Bret and I always counseled together about these missionaries and The Spirit inspired us both as to how we could best help them.
One of the most valuable lessons we learned about serving side-by-side was the power of companionship scripture study. We both knew the scriptures pretty well, and we frequently received personal revelation when we read on our own. However, reviewing the lessons in Come Follow Me together has led to some fascinating discussions and we find we can learn even more when we consider one another’s point of view.
When Bret was first called as a bishop some people offered their congratulations and others offered their condolences. Those who offered condolences may not have known what a great privilege it is to love the same sheep, and serve the same flock. The opportunity to support one another in our various callings, and to grow closer as a couple has made church service a blessing rather than a burden.
JeaNette Goates Smith is the author of Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service, Deseret Book, 2004. She and Bret served as mission leaders in the Dominican Republic from 2017 to 2020.
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