How Love Differs from Charity
There are all kinds of definitions of the word love. The challenge is to make sure we are communicating accurately when we use the word. In our culture we use the word “love” most often when we are pleased with someone or something. We might say “I loved this book,” which means I enjoyed the book. It brought me pleasure to read. When we hear an inspiring speaker, we often use the word love to describe our feelings for the speaker, such as “I just love Elder Uchtdorf.” Hopefully we mean Elder Uchtdorf’s words please me, not “I am in love with Elder Uchtdorf.”
In Spanish we might choose the verb gustar to communicate when something pleases us. Rather than say, “I love chocolate cake,” we would say, “Me gusta” chocolate cake, which means I enjoy it, or it makes me happy. It would be appropriate to say, “Me gusta Elder Uchtdorf “to communicate how much his messages please us.
In English we get a bit lazy, and instead of choosing a word that communicates more precisely what we mean we use the same word to describe a sun shiny day, our favorite sport and the person we married.
Love One Another
The meaning we attribute to the word love becomes important when we consider the commandment to love one another or to love our neighbor as ourselves. If we use the word love to mean it pleases me, as we are wont to do, that can be confusing. It means our neighbor pleases us even when his dog barks all night, even when he forgets to return the tools he borrowed or even when he cuts down our favorite shade tree. Agreed, we want to love our neighbor, but our neighbor doesn’t always please us. Therefore, what is the emotion we feel, or should feel for our neighbor, if we don’t love him the way we love chocolate cake?
The Greeks had at least three different words for what we call love (some say as many as nine). Two of the types of love the Greeks define reflect whether or not the person or thing we love pleases us. One of these types of love is Eros, or romantic love. This is not the type of love we will have for our neighbor, unless we are single and are dating our neighbor. A second type of love, Philia, means fondness. This might be an appropriate type of love for our neighbor if he actually pleases us, but what if he doesn’t please us? How do we love him even when he loses our tools and destroys our shade? Fortunately, there is a third type of love, agape, which is the kind of love most closely associated with charity. I have found that even if we are not fond of our neighbor, it is still possible to have charity for our neighbor.
The Pure Love of Christ
Charity has been defined as the pure love of Christ. The type of love Christ has for us has nothing to do with whether we please him or not. Christ loves us even when we displease him. We can love one another—family, friend, neighbor, or stranger—even when they displease us. What we really mean is we have charity for them. Charity is patient, kind, humble, and generous. We can be patient, kind, humble, and generous toward those who displease. Our love is not about how they make us feel—whether they please us or not. Our love is about how we choose to feel. It’s hard to have charity for the discourteous neighbor, or for someone who takes advantage of us, or who defames us or harms us in any number of ways. Nevertheless, it is a lot more plausible to have charity for someone who displeases us than it is to be fond of someone who displeases us.
In elementary school, we learn that the opposite of hate is love. This may lead us to believe that to rid ourselves of hate we must feel fondness for someone who has wronged us, someone we have been tempted to hate. In reality, the opposite of hate is not love. The opposite of hate is charity. We may not be fond of someone who has wronged us, but we can be patient, humble, kind and generous.
Communicating Intentionally
Since so many people are in the habit of using the word love to indicate that something pleases them, misunderstanding can occur if we say we love someone even though they do not please us. When my husband and I were serving as mission leaders in the Dominican Republic, one of our missionaries broke a series of rules. I was disappointed in him and I told him so. “Elder, I love you, but I am very displeased.” He was shocked. He thought that if someone loved him that must mean they were pleased with him.
Because we are commanded to “love one another” we may feel obligated to love those who have displeased us in the same way we love those who have pleased us. However, there are different types of love for those who please us and those who displease us. The type of love we can aspire to have for those who displease us is the pure love of Christ or charity.
As I have reflected on my experience with the disobedient missionary, I wish I had found another way to communicate my feelings for him. In our culture, in this day and age, in the English-speaking world, saying “I love you,” implies “you please me,” just like a book we read, a meal we ate, or a talk we heard pleases us. Rather than communicate to our missionary “you please me” I wanted to communicate, “I am patient with your learning curve, such things could happen to anybody, and I’m willing to give you another chance.” I wanted to say, “I have charity for you.”
It might make someone’s jaw drop when they say, “I love you” and the response they get back is “I have charity for you.” However, if charity is the pure love of Christ, loving someone, even when they don’t please you seems an even greater compliment than loving someone who pleases you.
JeaNette Goates Smith is a retired Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the author of four books on interpersonal relationships. The books can be found at amazon.com and on her website, www.smithfamilytherapy.org
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