Braving Love Again: Healing From Heartbreak and Embracing Connection
The story of the very first man and the first woman includes a declaration by the Lord that “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18). We are made in the image of God, and yet it is not good for us to be alone. We are happiest when we have companions to help us, love us, connect with us, and be witness to our lives. The current wisdom of the world is that we should not need anyone else and are weak if we do. I have often heard single Latter-day Saints proudly proclaim that they are fine alone and do not “need” another person.
In balance, the idea of being self-sufficient is probably healthy. The idea that I “need” my partner to do certain things or be a certain way for me to be happy can lead to desperation and put a lot of unhealthy pressure on the relationship. But the fact that I do not “need” a partner and can survive without one does not deny the idea that I am happiest and most fulfilled when I am happily partnered. On the other hand, I am most miserable when I am unhappily partnered.
When pressed, those who say they do not need partners will almost always admit they would rather be married if the right person comes along—but they despair of that ever happening. Many will acknowledge in one way or another that they are afraid. Our experiences with divorce teach us that it is highly inconvenient, financially ruinous, emotionally devastating, and extremely hard on our children. If you have been through divorce, you often conclude that the possibility of happiness feels remote and is not worth the risk of being hurt again.
When we marry, we give our partners the opportunity to hurt us deeply—and that is frightening. The Psalmist captured this kind of relationship trauma writing:
[I]t was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company (Psalm 55:12-14).
Did someone you “walked unto the House of the Lord” and covenanted with reproach you? Did the person you trusted to always be there for you prove untrustworthy? Did the person you opened your heart to turn away? Betrayal and rejection by someone you love is deeply painful. Your body remembers the pain and tries to warn us against risking that pain again—paradoxically by giving us more pain. Often it brings up powerful emotions as if we are experiencing the same rejection or betrayal all over again—and many conclude that they are fine being single and don’t need a partner.
When a protector or nurturer becomes an abuser, trust often gets twisted into suspicion and it is easy for a person to conclude that he or she is better off trusting no one. Trauma turns molehills into mountains and often makes innocuous behavior seem malevolent. And bold declarations of independence or not needing a spouse are most often thinly veiled fears of being hurt and disappointed again.
If you want to take another chance on love, but find paralyzing worry or fear keeping you from it, I have a few suggestions:
- Look unto God with firmness of mind. Speaking to a group of people who had their hearts broken by unfaithful spouses, and among whom “many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds” (Jacob 2:35), the Prophet Jacob said “Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, . . .O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever” (Jacob 3:1-2).Firmness of mind is grounded in “exceeding faith.” Firmness of mind is intentional steadfastness rather than an emotional roller coaster, and receiving the “pleasing word of God” allowing us to “feast upon his love.” Firmness of mind does not mean hardness of heart. But it does come with the promise of consolation in our afflictions.
- Lift up your head. Jacob 3:2 further counsels the pure in heart to “lift up your heads” in order to receive the “pleasing word of God.” Tony Robbins often talks about how lifting up our heads and squaring our shoulders creates an immediate shift in mood and energy. When Alma was fleeing the city of Ammonihah after being reviled and spit on, he was “weighed down with sorrow, wading through much tribulation and anguish of soul, because of the wickedness of the people who were in the city of Ammonihah” and an angel appeared to him saying “Blessed art thou, Alma; therefore, lift up thy head and rejoice, for thou hast great cause to rejoice; for thou hast been faithful in keeping the commandments of God” (Alma 8:13-15). When Alma was weighed down with sorrow, he has also counseled to lift up his head.
- Focus on what you can control. When Alma was fleeing the city of Ammonihah, he was weighed down with sorrow because of the wickedness of the people of Ammonihah—something he had no control over. The angel told Alma he had great cause to rejoice because he had been faithful in keeping God’s commandments—something he did control. Focusing on the things we can control is empowering. Focusing on things beyond our control leads to a feeling of helplessness.Seeking to date and create relationships, none of us likes to be rejected. But we have little control over that. What we have control over is whether we take the risk and ask the other person for a conversation, a date, or a relationship. If you make a genuine request for a date, give yourself a high-five for having the courage no matter how your potential partner responds.
- Seek therapy. If you are dealing with trauma, you don’t need to take it on alone. The help of a qualified trauma therapist can help you to release the trauma through EMDR or other healing modalities. Many mental health services operate on sliding scale programs that adjust their fees to make therapy affordable regardless of your income. As the proverb states, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). We do not have to navigate the process of dealing with trauma alone. We need the counsel of wise people to give us hope and help us to heal and feel safe.
- Do it anyway. You will never eliminate the fear of rejection, and waiting until you do means you will wait forever. There comes a time when you just have to throw caution to the wind and take the risk despite your fears. You can even use the anxiety you feel for the moment to drive you forward. But don’t sit and think about it. Have you ever stood at the edge of a high-dive peering down into the water, deciding whether to jump? That is terrifying. Just take the flying leap and your terror is instantly transformed into something thrilling. And even if you don’t get the answer you hope for, you can feel the satisfaction of having tried—and it will be easier the next time.
- Remember that it isn’t about you. As Moroni said, “If they have not charity it mattereth not unto thee, thou hast been faithful” (Ether 12:37). Remember to honor agency and be classy even when you are rejected, and you can lift up your head and know that you have dated the right way.
- You are not alone. Please remember that the dating process is hard for everyone. And anyone who has dated very much has experienced rejection at one time or another. As much as it seems like it, you are not alone.
One of the hardest challenges of life after divorce is trauma from prior relationships creeping in to sabotage new ones. Our brain responds to our survival instinct by making us afraid of many things that are not truly dangerous—like being rejected for dates or relationships. And this convinces many to claim that they don’t need relationships and are happier alone. But the Lord told Adam that it is not good for man to be alone. The longing to be happily coupled is deep in our nature—and the healing necessary to create a successful relationship is also necessary to creating a happy life, whether you are coupled or not.
Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
Connect with Jeff & Cathy:
Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/loveinlateryears
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Instagram: http://instagram.com/loveinlateryears/
Email: lo**************@gm***.com
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