The Soft-Spoken Parent: Saying No to Anger and Yes to Laughter
Every parent knows the moment: irritation rises, words gather force, and we stand at the edge of saying something we may regret. In this series, I have offered religious and research reasons to resist anger. I have also promised 55 strategies for becoming a soft-spoken parent. Last week I offered the first. In this article, I offer two more strategies.
I encourage you to consider how you might apply each strategy in your life. When a strategy seems especially helpful for you, I recommend that you cut and paste it into your own personal peaceful parenting file.
1. Just Say No to Anger
Saying no to anger does not mean that anger never rises in us. It means that when anger rises, we refuse to hand it the steering wheel.
Anger claims to represent reality, but it often rests on two bold misunderstandings. The first is that my way is the right way, and anyone who deviates from it is foolish, selfish, or wrong. The second is that chewing people out will help them behave better. Both assumptions are faulty. They distort our vision and damage our influence.
When Jesus Christ visited the Americas, He taught the people powerfully and poetically.
For verily, verily I say unto you, He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away. (3 Nephi 11:29–30)
Jesus’ teaching applies not only to public disputes and church quarrels. It applies in kitchens, bedrooms, carpools, and bedtime battles. Contention does not become Christlike simply because the person we are correcting is small.
Jesus does not provide any philosophy or rationale for this commandment. He simply commands us to shun contention. In a following verse, He tells us that “the Father commandeth all men, everywhere, to repent and believe in [him]” (3 Nephi 11:32).
Jesus commands us to avoid contention. There are times when we will simply choose peace over controversy. Simple obedience is a solid starting point for better behavior.
Of course, when our hearts are changed and perfected, good behavior will be our natural disposition. Between simple obedience and fully changed hearts, there are many things we can do to curb our wrath.
When we know anger aims to make fools of us all, we may decide to just say no to it. Now, for those of us who have practiced anger for years, this is not a single, one-time decision. We will decide again and again. Maybe anger is like that pair of plaid pants each of us bought somewhere in our youth. We were enchanted with them when we bought them. But over time we sensed that we were making fools of ourselves, so we stopped wearing them. We can do something like that with anger.
Knowing that anger keeps us from seeing clearly and acting helpfully, we resist it. We seek to calm ourselves. We try to turn indignation into amusement—we laugh at the human condition. We ask forgiveness of those we have insulted. We seek better ways to communicate and connect.
I taught high school for some years after I graduated from college. Our school principal asked all faculty and staff to help enforce rules of civility. For example, he asked that we encourage people to remove their hats when they were inside the school building. One evening, as people streamed into the building for a basketball game, I noticed a giant fellow wearing a hat. And I do mean giant—he had the stature of Goliath. Dutifully, I approached him and asked if he would mind taking off his hat. He turned to me and asked if I would like him to knock my head off. To me it seemed like a bad tradeoff. I dropped the hat issue. It wasn’t hard.
Sometimes we feel that our anger will not be denied. It must be expressed. My experience is that we are quite able to control our demands when it assures our survival. So, the most common victims of our anger may be those who are least able to resist it, especially our children.
To prevent spilling anger on our relatively powerless children, we can imagine them as Goliaths. Or we can remind ourselves that these are the most important people in our lives. Or we can simply decide to say no to anger.
Reflection
Think of a time when you just said no to anger.
How did it feel?
What helped you get there?
How can you get there again?
How can you make that experience more common for you?
2. Choose Laughter Over Accusation
Some years ago, when our children were small, I found that the previous user of the bathroom had finished a roll of toilet paper without replacing it. Unfortunately, I discovered this at an inopportune time. I felt like launching a full-scale investigation and then punishing the perpetrator. I was angry.
But something inside me whispered that there was a better way. How could I accuse and humiliate the people I loved most?
So, I took care of my immediate needs, restored my dignity, and then with as much mock solemnity as I could muster, I called the whole family, all five of us—together into the small bathroom. Then I announced that we had a serious problem. Someone had finished the roll of paper without replacing it. So, I announced we would be instituting a new policy. All toilet paper would be stored in a locked closet in the hallway. Paper would only be issued after completing a form in triplicate accounting for each square of paper that was requested.
The children laughed at me. I laughed at me. They got the point without any investigation, accusation, or rancor. Truly a soft approach was better than a hard one. It made the children more mindful of their civic responsibility while preserving our loving relationship.
Often, we want to help our children act better, but then we set a terrible example with an immature rant. Surely there is a better way. Humor is not a bad substitute for anger—as long as no one is hurt or humiliated.
I read a story of a teenager who had just learned to drive. She regularly begged for opportunities to drive the family somewhere. Once, during a family vacation, her father allowed her to drive on a long, straight stretch of highway. She was in heaven until suddenly there was a turn in the road. Caught by surprise, she swung too wide and ran into a service station sign. She stopped the car and braced herself for a lecture. Her father, always mindful of his children’s feelings, was quiet for some time. Then he turned to the rest of the family in the backseat and said, “As long as we’re stopped here, does anybody need to use the rest room?” He did not ignore the mistake. He simply refused to turn a frightening moment into a shaming one.
I suspect that this teenager loved her father for his kindness.
It is important that family laughter is not corrosive or sarcastic. We must never laugh at a family member’s pain. But there will be times when laughing together will help the family draw closer together. Kindness and happiness are the lubricants of positive family life.
The goal is not to become a family of comedians. The goal is to become a family where mistakes are treated as invitations to learn rather than opportunities to accuse. When humor is kind, it can carry correction on the wings of affection. We can correct without condemning, teach without humiliating, and laugh without wounding.
Reflection
Think of a time when you have used humor instead of anger.
How did it feel?
What helped you get there?
How can you get there again?
How can you make that experience more common for you?
Invitation:
You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on September 12, 2026, in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.