How Society Suffers when the Family is no longer its Basic Unit
Editor’s Note: We are pleased to present this once-a-week, all-summer-long series of familycentric essays from Richard Eyre. Today’s essay is number 8 of 12. Look at the “intermission essay” here which has links to the first 6 articles so that newcomers can catch up. And look at last week’s essay 7 here.
As most Meridian readers know, the Eyres, for five decades, have focused their professional lives on strengthening families. This focus has ranged from writing New York Times #1 bestselling books to speaking to parents in more than 60 countries around the globe. But their true passion is for an Inclusive, Eternal Family Paradigm that can’t be fully shared or grasped without the insights of the Restored Gospel. And they feel that the reverse of that is also true: The Restored Gospel can’t be fully grasped or shared until it is seen through an Inclusive, Eternal Family Lens. The goal of this series of essays is to better understand and have more realistic expectations of both Church and Family. And “family” is broadly defined so that each article speaks to us all, whether we are single or married, parents or siblings, aunts and uncles or grandparents.
Author’s Note: In the first half of this series the focus was theological and doctrinal, in the second half the tone is more societal and cultural, and perhaps more personal—about the need to re-enshrine marriage and return the family to its rightful position as the basic unit, the fulcrum, the pivot point of human civilization. As we look at what the Restored Gospel tells us about what our relationships and our families can become, we also need to look at what the world is telling us about how families are being replaced as the basic unit of society by the individual. The difference between the two is dramatic!
Questions
This eighth familycentric essay will try to zero in on a mixture of social and spiritual questions such as: Why do “marrieds” do better financially and psychologically than “singles?” Why is the admonition to turn the hearts of parents to children and vice-versa repeated so often in scripture? And what is the shocking warning that goes with this admonition? Why don’t we know more about the relationship between our Heavenly Parents? Is it accurate or appropriate to think of Family as a Financial Incentive? Who are the two demographic groups with the strongest families in the world today? And why are there not more connections between those two groups? What are the dramatic differences between a culture centered on commitments and family and one focused on “freedom” and the individual?
I had planned to address these questions—at least the sociological ones—with numbers and data— “proof” of how societies and economies work better when their basic unit is families rather than individuals. And indeed, there are plenty of statistics that show that in general, married people earn more, spend more and contribute more than single individuals, and polls that show that those who prioritize family trend toward sacrifice, responsibility, selflessness, and concern for the next generation; while those who prioritize individual gratification and avoid commitment move in the opposite directions of indulgence, selfishness, and a focus on the present rather than the future.
David Brooks said it this way:
“People are not better off when they are given maximum personal freedom to do what they want. They’re better off when they are enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice—commitments to family, God, craft and country.”
And going back a few thousand years, Confucius said it this way:
“To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.”
I was going to try to flesh that out, prove it to you with numbers. But then I remembered that this series is not about proof but about faith, and that its core premise is that the Church and the Gospel are not about family vs. individuals, or married vs. singles, or about any other Versus but about the &—the Ampersand and the fact that but we are all part of earthly families and of God’s family. (See Essay 6 on the Versus or the Ampersand) Hopefully the tone of this series is spiritual rather than secular, and the effort is to try to understand the latter through the lens of the former.
So, let’s start with the spiritual and scriptural and move from there to the secular and societal…
But first a story that can lead us into both:
Opening Story
Several years ago, I had the opportunity to speak in Cape Town, South Africa to the Global Leadership Conference’ of the Young President’s Organization or YPO, a worldwide coalition of young CEOs. My address, no surprise, was on families and why our family relationships should be the highest priorities of our lives.
The keynote speaker at that conference was Bishop Desmond Tutu, the South African bishop who worked shoulder to shoulder with Nelson Mandela to break apartheid and bring true individual and racial and political freedom to his country. Rather than have a text for his address, he simply stood at the podium, with his diminutive but powerful presence, and offered to answer questions. He got many interesting ones, and he gave, in my opinion, brilliant responses.
One of the most intriguing queries, (although it is sometimes bland, as when it is asked to contestants in beauty pageants) was “How do we achieve world peace?” Bishop Tutu pondered for a moment and then said something I have never forgotten. He kept his answer short and simple and left us all to think about it. He said, in essence, that he thought world peace will have a much greater chance of becoming a reality when we elect more women to high offices, and to run countries. The only postscript he added to that answer was “I do not think that mothers will send their children to war.”
In a way, he was saying the same thing I had spoken about earlier in the day, essentially that society is better (and more peaceful) when we operate from a familycentric paradigm—putting children and family as first priority and suggesting that when family is the basic unit of our society, we will be far less likely to live in a vs. world and more likely to live in a & world; and that as families flourish and are re-enshrined as the basic unit, we will live more selflessly, more industriously, more purposefully, and will be more likely to save and preserve the world for the next generation.
BTW, this reminds me of the interesting word that is used so frequently in our modern AI vernacular. We talk of “generativity” when we speak about Generative AI, but the real meaning comes clear when we speak of things that will carry over to the next generation from our generation. And indeed, true generativity it is when we recognize the family as the basic unit of society and fully understand that future generations (and in some “temple ways” past generations) depend on us. When we live and think in this manner, we grow individually and collectively, and we keep our world from being, in scriptural words, “wasted” or “cursed.”
Turning the Hearts
The scripturally oft-repeated phrase “turn the hearts of the children to the fathers and of the fathers to the children” is both the mission of Elijah and the key admonition for our time. All of the uses of this powerful couplet, which occurs in all of our Standard Works, suggests the connection of generations and the priority of family as the purpose of mortality. Note that the two most ominous scriptures using this phrase come in Malachi 4:6 where God says that if hearts are not turned in this way He will “smite the earth with a curse;” and in D&C 2:2-3 where we are told that if this turning does not occur “the whole earth would be utterly wasted at His coming.” Does this mean that if family relationships and priorities and covenants and commitments fail, that if our hearts are not turned both to our fathers and ancestors and to our children and our descendants—then the whole earth will be “wasted” or “cursed?”
Could this be, at least partially, a warning about what happens to the earth if family ceases to be the basic unit of our society, of our culture, of our economy, of our civilization of God’s family, and of our eternal hopes? If family is the basic unit, it leads humans to selflessness, sacrifice, responsibility and concern for the world’s future and for coming generations. If the individual is the basic unit, we spin toward selfishness, personal win-lose ambition, and the notion of eat-drink-and-be-merry since we won’t be here and have no skin in that future game.
When society tilts too far toward the individual, the way can open to chaos and conflict, theft, plunder, and a vs. win-lose mentality of “I want more than you.” On the other hand, when family is the basic unit, what results is true civilization, with industry, cooperation, care for one another, and an eye to the future where our children will live.
Tipping Points
Exactly ten years ago, Linda and I wrote a book called The Turning: Why the State of the Family Matters, and What the World can do About it. It was and is essentially an expansion of the Turn the Hearts scriptural warning. The book pointed to nine “tipping points” that we felt foretold the disintegration of family and the turning of hearts away from the fathers-to-children and children-to-fathers that scripture admonishes. Looking back at these nine 2014 tipping points, we find that every one of them has now tipped further.
Here are those tipping points as they existed ten years ago:
- We are very close to the point where there will be more US adults who are single than who are married. For the first time, fewer than 50 percent of US households are made up of married couples, and only one-quarter of twenty- to twenty-nine-year-olds are married compared with 70 percent in 1960.
- In several Western countries, very nearly as many children are now born out of wedlock as in.
- More US marriages now end in divorce than stay together.
- In many major world cities, there are now more households that are occupied by one single individual than households inhabited by any kind of family.
- In England, a majority of women of childbearing age say they would rather buy a house than have a child, and one-third say they do not ever want children. In some Asian countries, there are now more women between twenty and forty who say they do not want children than who say they do.
- In the United States and Europe, among couples that move in together, far more now choose cohabitation than marriage.
- More than half of Hispanic children in the United States are now raised in fatherless homes, and among African American families, seven in ten kids are raised without a dad.
- Throughout the world, higher percentages now seem to believe that “the family should support the career” than believe that “the career should support the family.”
- For the first time, more than one-half of the nations on the planet (116 of the earth’s 224 recognized sovereign states and countries) have birthrates below the replacement level of 2.1 children per woman, and now must either encourage more births or count on in-migration to maintain their work forces.
Let me repeat that this list was the reality in 2014. Now, ten years later, every one of those nine tipping points has tipped further. Take number 9 for example. Ten years ago, several U.S. states had birthrates above replacement rate, led by Utah which had the highest birthrate in the nation. Now no state, not even Utah, has a birthrate above 2.1.
A friend who read a draft of this essay reminded me that it is not only present numbers that warn us of the dangers of de-prioritizing family; past history teaches us the same lessons. He said:
“The divine premise that ‘it is not good for man to be alone’ contains a great deal of insight with regards to the current demographic, economic and mental health challenges facing society.
“Two stories come to mind here –
“1) The Jaredite nation – losing sight of family as future and becoming so immersed in the tribalism of vs. that the scriptural curse was fulfilled in short order.
“2) A homeschooling father’s essay I read a while back about a visit to the underground railroad museum in Cincinnati spoke of the severe socioeconomic disadvantages and familial breakdowns many African Americans are still experiencing 150 years later and proposed that most of that was a result of slavery—not simply because it was demeaning and inhumane—but because of the intentional dissolution of those family units across generations. Traditions, connections, teachings and wealth could not be passed on as would normally happen in a family and those familial scars became endemic and perpetuated.”
Another Story (or Experience)
Let me use the aforementioned YPO (Young Presidents Organization) as a prime example of something Linda and I have observed around the world—something that may mitigate the gloom and doom of the projected tipping points just listed.
Educated, well-off people—people who have the financial freedom and higher-education awareness to look at the world and at their own situation with perspective and insight, are now coming to the conclusion that “married with children” is the best and the happiest way to live.
For more than three decades, we have been speaking to the local chapters, regional conferences and global gatherings of this interesting organization and have come to know hundreds if not thousands of its members. To join YPO, one must be president and CEO of a relatively large company before turning 40, so by definition these are men and women who are highly (and early) successful in the world’s terms. Educated at the best universities, most with graduate degrees, they have, in their early mid-life, the options to live however and wherever they choose, and to adopt whatever lifestyle they want. And they are generally secular—many have spiritual belief, but overall, they are not highly religious people. But they are analytical, and aggressive, and they want the best.
And generally speaking, this subset of the world, not because someone told them or preached it to them, but because they have observed and figured it out, have concluded that married with children is simply the best and happiest way to live. Certainly, there are single members, but most are married and when we ask them what they want most, the common answer is essentially, “Lasting marriage and successful kids.”
They live well, travel a lot, many in their own private planes, but they see their wealth as the means to the end of a happy family.
And this YPO sample is representative of a whole demographic segment that is doing better with marriage and family than the general public. College educated, middle to upper income, white-collar workers statistically have longer lasting marriages, have more children, and have goals more centered on family than their less educated, lower income blue collar counterparts, many of whom, sadly and in error, believe that they cannot afford either to be married or to have children.
Our Church, of course, corrects this error with the doctrine of eternal family and exaltation—and with ward communities and a family culture that helps members both with their marriages and their parenting. Many other churches and synagogues and mosques and other faiths do the same to varying degrees.
Thus, it seems that we currently live in a world where the two demographic groups that value marriage and family most, and that prioritize both in their planning and their lifestyles are 1. Committed, religious people whose faith teaches them to seek and value family, and 2. Secular, educated, economically advantaged people whose logic and observation leads them to seek and value family.
Both of these groups tend to be trend-setters, so we may have justification for believing or at least hoping that in the coming years we will see increases in family commitment and priority across the world.
Perhaps we will even see informal coalitions between the two groups, perhaps including greater efforts by the Restored Church to orient at least part of its proselyting and outreach efforts to the higher income and education demographic that our missionaries seldom reach without the help of referring members.
Figuring it Out
What Linda and I find ourselves admiring about our YPO friends is that they have, in most cases without the help of faith or religion, “figured it out” that family commitments and priorities are the path to a good and happy life.
Perhaps there is a similar kind of figuring-it-out that can happen in the minds and hearts of Church members with regard to the higher familycentric nature of God’s plan and the model of our Heavenly Parents that we are striving to follow. Maybe we within the Restored Church, we who have eternal family insights and questions, are the ones who are supposed to “figure it out” on an even higher level.
These are questions like: Why don’t we know more about Heavenly Mother or about the relationship of our Heavenly Parents? Why don’t we know more about our Elder Brother and Savior Jesus Christ regarding His Eternal Partner or everlasting Celestial Covenants? Or about the same aspects and attributes of the Holy Ghost?
Our search for those answers might take us in two complementary directions:
First, perhaps we know more than we might think we do. We know about God’s familial commitments and relationships and priorities through what He tells us to pursue and value and covenant to…and we know that all of it is to help us become more like Him—so we can thus conclude that the New and Everlasting Covenant of Marriage He gives to us reflects who He is, and who our Heavenly Parents are, and who the Godhead is.
Second, we can remember that a key purpose of this mortality, of this phase of existence where we are “that we might have Joy” has to do with “figuring things out.” If God told us the details of Their full family nature and relationship and perfect covenants (which might be beyond our ability to grasp) might He be giving us the answers to the very questions we were sent here to discover and figure out?
Instead, He gives us commandments (which are “loving council from a wise Father”), and He gives us the Restored Gospel with all of its insights and priorities, and He gives us the covenant path, and He gives us the Light of Christ and the influence of the Holy Ghost, and He gives us agency within which we have the power to “figure it out.”
Unnatural Opposition
In many of my and Linda’s efforts to strengthen families, or to encourage various religious and secular institutions to do more for families, for marriage, for parenting, we get little open disagreement about the importance of these things, but a lot of delay and excuse and lack of urgency.
Sometimes it seems strange or unnatural. Why would larger institutions resist strengthening the basic institution on which they all depend to some extent? Why isn’t it more obvious that when we have stronger families our culture, our society, our economy, our private enterprise, our communities and churches, and indeed our whole civilization is also stronger?
Could the answer be as simple as the scripture that tells us that opposition is necessary in all things? Could the adversary, the being that most of the world, even the Christian world, no longer believes in, the son of God who was cast down, who opposes all that is good—could it be that that force, with all of its cunning intelligence, knows that the heart of God’s plan and purpose is family and that he understands that God’s goals can be most effectively impeded by undermining family?
President Lee called the Church the “scaffolding” that helps us build eternal families. Perhaps the adversary would not mind if the scaffolding flourished so long as the building, the eternal building of family and of turning hearts was crumbling.
Conclusion?
Have I answered any of the questions that started this article?
Perhaps not, but maybe it is the asking and the thinking-about and the figuring-it-out that matters for each of us.
The post How Society Suffers when the Family is no longer its Basic Unit first appeared on Meridian Magazine.
Meridian Magazine